balance

Academic, part-time academic, research associate, post-doc, assistant professor, teacher, researcher... my definition of my "professional self" seems to be fairly fluid these days. Which? Is very weird. Since, I have felt fairly certain that I wanted to be in this career path since early days of undergrad. The days when people were unsure about what they wanted to do next week? Or even have for dinner that night? I knew (well, to be fair, the dinner thing was easy because I ate pretty much the exact same thing every night for dinner the entirety of my University Career). I really like research, and I think understanding how people think and behave in workplaces is facinating. But, the thing is, when I became a mother, my priorities shifted. I know, I know, it sounds so cliche, and, I guess it is. But, it was like the "mother" identity overshadowed my professional identity. In those early days, right after Max was born, when I was struggling with my dissertation, I remember thinking about work/life balance. It had always seemed a sort of boring topic for me in grad school, but it had suddenly become interesting. And, so, ever the student, I tried to take "tips" from the literature and balance my work and my family. I had decided I wanted to feel confident in both roles- and I did not want to "switch" from one identity to the other. I wanted to be an academic mother. I went on the job market with my 1 year old son in tow. I gave job talks with him in an adjacent room drinking a bottle of pumped breastmilk. I asked potential co-workers about daycare and babysitters. I completely blurred the lines between professional and personal in a strive for balance. I wore my motherhood like a badge in a way. Similar to the shirts stained with spit-up and the constant supply of diapers and wipes in ever possible bag (including my laptop bag) I owned. When we took the job at U of I, we got a great house right next to a great preschool/daycare. Max loved his teacher, Arran and I traded off drop-offs and pick-ups so that he was never in daycare for more than 6-7 hours a day (2 of which would be naptime). But still, it broke my heart. I felt as though I was only being half a parent. And, I felt like I was only being half and academic. Things were amplified when Alex came into the picture. Not only was I trying to balance teaching, research, and motherhood- but it was motherhood to two different boys who both needed me. I spent many, many days nursing a newborn while writing and revising manuscripts, dashing off to teach a seminar and needing to run to my office to pump during the break, and then rushing home to soak up the sweetness of my boys. Only to then stay up all night trying to stay afloat. At some point I became overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the moments slipping away from me. By the realization that my toddler, Max, had turned into a boy who could read and write and was embarrased by me sometimes. Overwhelmed when I noticed that my baby, Alex, was walking, and although now he always wanted to walk towards me, I knew that one day soon he would be trying to walk away. And this broke my heart, and made me realize that being both a professional and a mom, having it all, is a privlidge for sure, but it is not always about balance, sometimes is is about needing to make a choice. And, so I chose to cut back, go off-tenure track. I though this would be an instant relief. That I would have more time to be an amazing mother without the pressure of feeling as though I was letting work down. But, I still found myself glued to my computer during naptime, and way into the night. And scheduling conference calls that I took while rocking a baby. I no longer was a full-time employee anywhere, but I was still working. It seemed ridiculous, but yet unavoidable. And what I realized is although motherhood is my central identity, I still have a professional identity. And, while it is mallable and changeable, it is part of me, and an important part of me. My children will ALWAYS be my priority, yet I am a better mother when I do have a validated work identity. When I can lose myself in a research project, write a paper that gets published, talk about an interesting finding.

Despite this insight, and my journey, I don't have the balance yet. In fact, I think that the notion of "balance" is misleading. I still struggle to do things that are professionally fufilling and personally satisfying. I still juggle my conference calls around preschool drop-off. But, I realize that there is a way to optimize the work/life relationship. It requires mental flexibility, the willingness to compose a life. And, to be willing to revise that path at a moment notice.